zombie

I wish I could keep the same mood level for more than one day.

I haven't done anything yet today.. its 3:49, I started cleaning my room a couple hours ago and I'm almost done. It's really dirty though. I haven't had time/energy to actually clean everything in so long. It's coming along alright though. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do today. I think I'm hangin out with Jackie and Tom and Jaime later. That's what she saidd at least. I wanna get real drunk tonight. I downloaded soulseek on my computer and I've been listenning to music so much more. I hate not being able to download music. I'm lovin' it. Yesterday I hung out with Charles in the morning, than Kyle and Dan came over and I went back to Kyles house with them. Bruder and Dewayne came there. We chilled in his room and then we went to get pizza. Later on, Andrew and I went to Julie's house and watched some movie about this jewish Nazi type kid. I think it was a good movie. I didn't pay attention to a lot of it so I didn't really fully understand most of it, but whatever. After that I hung out with Charles again and we went to the sea wall then came back here and did nothing. I was suppose to hang out with someone but they blew me off. What else is new. I hate being confused all the time. I need a new job. Fuck.

selfish brat

My mom and dad work so hard to keep this house and keep this family together. I'm gratful that my parents never fight. I can't understand why my sister can be so self centered. All she cares about is herself, she doesn't care that we're in debt right now. Right now shes crying to my mom about school and stuff. CRYING. Because we don't have enough money for the college she got into, so we're going to have to take out a huge loan for her, and we'll have to sell our house in order to pay it off when she gets out. That kind of pisses me off. I don't wanna move out. Shes 18 and doesn't even have her license or anything. She just got her FIRST job about two weeks ago and gets paid more than me fucking doing nothing. And than asks money from my mom for things that she doesn't need, and gladly accepts money when its offered. She never helps around the house. And to top everything else off. She acts like shes 10. I'm embarassed over some of the things she says and does. All of her morals are completely stupid and make no sense. All of her friends suck. She keeps me awake every night yelling and screaming to her friends on the phone until 1-3 A.M. Sometimes I have to go into her room three times to ask her to be quiet because I have to wake up for work at 7.

woah

I'm nothing like the person I was last year. At all.
So much has changed I don't even know where to start.
Last night I had a dream about Brandon, I don't understand why. R.I.P

I went to sleep around 3a.m. I woke up around 11. I'm already bored, and I can already almost tell that today.. is going.. to suck

oh no..

its 3:14.
not tired.
i dont know if i have work in the morning or not.
i have nothing else tto say goodnight

kaotic

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fail

Yesterday. I woke up got ready and was off to the meriden mall with Julie and my family. We ate first because I was starving than we went shopping a little, I got new earrings, theyre the same size as my last 2 pairs but whatever I liked them anyway. After that I hung out at Julies for a little and Jackie came over soon after that. I got a bathing suit at the mall too I like it a lot. I got it because soon I'm going to Rhode Island with Jill, Stefan, and Julie. Julie's dad is taking us the 4Th, 5Th, and 6Th of August. I can't wait, seriously. Me, Julie and Jackie ended up going to Forbes to visit my boy hex, then my other friend to get something we needed. Then our night was complete to get started. I forgot what we did after that.. Oh yeah.. We hung out at lighthouse for a little bit, than we went back to Julie's house. That day I ate: Taco bell, ice cream, power bar, bagel and later on we went to Mamoun's in New Haven and I had a Falafel. Hhahahahaha. We were going to go to a show in New Haven, which was right near Mamouns. But than I got there, there was people there but I guess some bands weren't playing anymore or something. I have no idea. Dana was there too, I don't think he understands that when you do something fucked up people just get over it instantly. I like someone else now too, so I'm not just gonna go back to Meriden with him. Anyway, the show sucked, I didn't even go inside. So we went to the hookah bar? What the hell. I'm always the one to make fun of the hookah bar because of how popular it got and how they jacked the prices so much. And how stupid it is to pay $20 just to smoke for a few minutes. Not even anything good. SO stupid. We went there anyway. I was real fucked up. I had no idea what was goin on, and there was so many people there. I've never seen that many people there. We almost couldn't find a place to sit where we could all be together. So everything was going fine, I guess. By the way, I just woke up a few minutes ago so I'm slowing remembering most of the things that happened last night. I actually knocked over a hookah. I couldn't believe it. I still don't know how I did it, but it was my fault. Directly. The guy was pretty pissed about it, and they put new coals on it after but it wasn't working so than we only had one. All of the coals fell on my lap. As I'm writing this and remembering, that shit hurt pretty bad. I'm not going back their for a really long time. I can't believe I did that. I was fucked up though. That's gonna be my excuse. As for me coming home... Devin drove me Julie and Jackie to the show so he dropped us off at Julies house than Jackie drove me home. Everyone was pretty tired. I ended up coming on the computer for a brief moment. Than I went to sleep. I slept very well and I woke up around 12. I didn't go to sleep that late either. I woke up to 4 missed calls from 4 different numbers that I don't know. I'm really curious to who it was.

hahahah what

Is wrong with me. My last post is way too happy.

I only worked 2 days this week but somehow I made $65.

That's not gonna last at all. I successfully made my money from last week last until yesterday, which was really convienent. I went to see Immortal Technique and a few other rappers with Charles last night at toads. It was pretty amazing. He even signed my newport box anddd I got to talk to him for like a minute, yeah that is very exciting to me. I can't wait to go to Rhode island with Julie =) It's gonna rule. And right when I get back so many shows are coming up. I can't wait for punkfest. Everything is going so well. Tonight I'm suppose to go downtown with Ryan and see this documentary on the author that wrote Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It's 8:15, I hope I still go. I haven't done anything all day, and I don't have any plans tomorrow either. I want to hang out with Julie and Jackie and go to the beachh or something. I would like that. She even said something about Rhode Island, that would be sick. Yeahhh I need plans!

I'm bored as hotdogs.

FANTASTIC

im in such a good mood right now!!!

I love all of my friends so much!!

im so happy im depressed anymore like I have been the past week for no reason!

so many good things are gonna happen in the next few weeks.







<333333333333333333xoxoxoxoxoox

bright eyes

If you walk away I walk away
first tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
so you walk that way I'll walk this way

nope

I haven't really been having a good week.. Or whatever the past like 7 days has been. I'm real confused. I don't know why I can't figure out something to do and have a good time. It's Tuesday. Yesterday I worked but I don't have work again until Friday, I still have most of my money saved from my last check but my next one is going to be so weak. There's so many fun things coming up for me but I can't even seem to care. I'm nervous about school starting. I want fall to come really fast at the same time. I wish I didn't have most of my money saved, because than maybe that would mean I'd be having a good time hangin out with people. Instead, I've been here most of the time. Why do people have to keep playin' games with me. Yo, my dream last night was so weird. I found a sidekick, and I was driving around naked for some reason. Before that I was sledding, I can't remember anymore. I haven't been able to rememer any of my dreams in so long. It's proven that almost everytime you wake up 90% of your dreams is forgotten. Why is that? I don't even know why that matters. I'm not one to analyze my dreams, but everytime I have one, I wake up fine, than like 20 minutes later I remember some parts of it and its weird. I woke up a few minutes ago and just remembered those things. I woke up like 10 times this morning because my room was so hot, and I can't sleep with the AC on. It's way too loud. Than I woke up again because of birds outside, and other sounds. I dont know. It looks like its going to rain. I hope it doesn't. Whatever I guess it could rain because I'll probably be stuck here yet again..

!!!!!!

so tired

the first day that I get to sleep in, in so long. Why am I awake at 11. I should go back to sleep, for real. I'm tired. I woke up because of how hot my room was. So I turned on the AC, but the thing is... I can't sleep with the AC on, at all. It's too loud. I hate how sensitive my ears are. I'm tired as hell. I also would like to know what I'm going to do today. Yesterday after work I fell asleep for a bit then Kyle and Dan came over and saved me. We went to Wendy's than my house and watched The Happenning again. I have it bootleg. I watched it the night before last night too with Julie and my family for the first time. It was pretty fucked up, but I liked the movie for some reason. The morals and idea of it was stupid though. I really need to get to a store today so I can buy new lip rings/studs I lost mine I need new onesss I tried going to a store yesterday with them but it had just closedd wtf. I really wanna go swimming. Right now outside its kind of couldy, it doesn't look like its going to rain though. It's still really hot.. I'm going back upstairs.

=D

im so happy all the time!!!

its 7:47

I haven't had time to hang out with anyone. I Can't believe I'm awake right now.
I'm so tired it's unbelievable. This day is going to drag on forever. And when I get out I'll probably be too tired to even do anything. Is this really worth the money? I had work every day this week. And next week is going to be exactly the same.
I need sleep.

I couldn't even get an answer

Last night, after I got in from my pretty intense night, I wasn't about to let it end just because of how late it was. I ended up chillin outside my house for a long time. I didn't get in until almost 5. I was outside though, sitting on my swing with Ryan, and some guy is walkin by with bags of stuff and he's really loud. Then he see's us and starts freaking out, I guess I scared him or something because he didn't realize I was there. He walks up to us and starts talking, still really amazed that we're there for some reason. Then he starts going on and on about how fucked up he is, and offers us shots of captain morgan. Yeah right, I didn't take any. I had enough captain from Jaimes house, and I wasn't feelin' too good. Nothing else really happened, I told him to watch out for cops. And a cop drove by a few minutes later. I wonder where that guyy went. I definitly feel like shit right now, its 4:04P.M and I just woke up a little while ago.

oh man

Today wasn't that bad. Well, I can't really say how it was. I woke up at 7:20, got ready, and Barbara picked me up and me her and Jackie went to work. I got out a little bit before 3 and Jackie took me home. I only worked 2 days this week so I only got like 65$. There's only 10 dollars left. I just got it a few hours ago. Now I have to wait until next Thursday or Friday, gayyy. At least I had an awesome night. Me, Jackie, Tom and Jaime were in Jackies car, we were driving to his house so we can hang out there for the night. On our way out of Forbes gas station in East Haven, there's a car coming down the street really fast, and someone tells Jackie not to go, and She floors her car and they almost hit us. Really almost. They yelled some obsenity at us that I don't recall. Another close one.

LOLLLLL

Mug 0f Mead: the only people who go out of their way to say
Mug 0f Mead: they dont do anything
Mug 0f Mead: are
Mug 0f Mead: religious nuts
Mug 0f Mead: and
Mug 0f Mead: people who have already made mad mistakes from being wasted
Mug 0f Mead: lolol
Mug 0f Mead: s'ed too many d's
Mug 0f Mead: n are now like
Mug 0f Mead: look im clean



Jackie just dropped me off after work, and shes coming back when shes done with her last house. I only worked two days this week so I only made $60. Its Lame, and I owed my mom money and I bought food so now I only have $30 to last me until next Thursday or Friday. I feel really dirty right now, so I have to work out for one thing because I haven't gotten around to that lately, I feel like a waste. I have to shower. And I think we're hangin out with Jaime and Tgrills after we drop off her sister in Milford okay, now I have to go do these things.





Mug 0f Mead: but its fun
Mug 0f Mead: to
Mug 0f Mead: call people out on shit
Mug 0f Mead: n yer like
Mug 0f Mead: gotchya bitch

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEE

anxiety

Yesterday Dan and Kyle picked me up and we went to some pool in Hamden and went swimming. It was my first time in a pool this summer so far, and the past week there hasnt been any sun at all. Not even today. After we went swimming we hung out at Dan's house and watched tv and Sandlot. I had work yesterday morning so I don't know how I had enough energy to go out after that. Especially since Jackie slept over the night before and we didn't get home until 2:30 and we had to wake up at 7. I'm waiting for Julie and Brain to pick me up and were goin to a show. It's really hot out.

why me

why do i feel this way
i hate everything

that was a close one..

My 4Th of July weekend was prettyyy good. I'm not sure where to start off, so I'll start with last night. I hung out with Kyle, Dan and Dewayne. They picked me up and we went to Julie's house in wallingford for a 4Th of July party. I had fun for the most part. Jill, Stefan, Pat, Meghan and Brain came there too. And Julie's friend Shell from North Branford. I had a lot of funn, I had so much energy all that day. There was a cotton Candy machine and it was awesome. The fireworks were great, it was a good time. I got to see a bunch of friends and the weather wasn't that bad. It did rain a little bit but not consistently. Kyle, Dewayne, Brian and I slept at Julies house after everyone left we watched tv then we went to sleep. I went to sleep around 4a.m and I was woken up at promtly 8:30 by Julie's stepmom. I'm not gonna elaborate on that subject, but whatever it doesn't matter anyway. I made it through the day with enough energy, again.

This morning when my dad picked up me Kyle and Dewayne, he wanted to visit grandma in Meriden so he dropped us off at the Meriden mall for a couple hours. We didn't really do much.. I got new gauges finally, and I'm so mad at myself for picking the ones I did. I can't exchange them though so I'm stuckk with it. I want to go to the shows on the 8Th and the 9Th. I really hope I do. Anyway, when we get back to my house we chill here for a bit and get ready to go out. We take the bus from my house to downtown and hang around there for a little bit. First we went into channel one because Dewayne wanted to look at something, and Lou gave me a lollipop. When I was talking to him, a man came in the store that knew my brother and his old shop ten times dope. I don't know why my brother knows everyone. After that we go to the thrift store and look at things and I saw a lot of shorts and some pants and shirts that I liked and I wanted to buy everythinggg but I needed to save my money. Fuck. I end up buying this weird shirt for Dan, for his birthday. I don't even remember what it said or the design on it or anything. It was funny though. We take the bus from downtown to Kyles house and hang out there and play some video games and clean his yard. For some reason I was kind of depressed last night. Who even knowssss why. That's besides the point. Later on at Kyle's house Dan finally comes and we watched Miami vice, and I didn't understand it at all. It looked like a porn from what I saw. Dan took me home a little while ago, on the way home there was a D.U.I check before the bridge. I hate that shit. I hate cops. They almost didn't let us go. Apparently are eyes were bloodshot. Every time I'm with Dan something really bad almost happens. That was yet another close one.

you suck

I didn't do anything ALL FUCKING DAY. I worked mad early and didn't get out til 4. I originally got out at 12 but then my boss made me do two more houses. When I got home I showered and hung out with Liana. We went to some stores and I got bleach for my hair like I said I was goinggg too, and I got taco bell. Then we went to the thrift store and I got a new purse. And a hat. I also got eyeshadow. I think that's all. I hid most of my paycheck $ and I hope I don't spend any of it until I get more. Fuck, tonight sucks. I really seriously hope tomorrow goes better.

lame.

860 and 203 make ct SHIT

it's 7:10 a.m. I can't really believe that I'm actually awake right now. I'm getting picked up and going to work really soon, and I'm getting paid today. I can't wait. It's gonna be awesome. Last night Liana picked me up and we chilled around the cove for a little bit then we went downtown and went to bulldog burrito and walked around for a little bit. It was really nice out. Then we went to Kyle's house and Dan and some other people were there. We didn't really do anything out of the ordinary... We went to dunkin' donuts? I guess that's cool. I have no clue what I'm doing today. I think I'm hangin' out with Liana and Julie later on, but I want to hang out with Jackie too. I hope she wants to. I need to make on plan on saving enough money to last me until next week. But I also want some certain things. I've decided that I'm going to dye my hair blond again so I'm going to need to buy bleach, from doing this the other time, my previous experience with going blond means I'm going to need more than 3 packets of the stuff you use, I have the thing you mix it with but not the powder. I love my choice of vocabulary because I don't know what anything is called. Okay so, I need hair dye. I also would like to buy new earrings for myself. Right now I have two different ones in because I lost my nice one in the car accident, whiplash or something. My gauge just popped out. And it looks ridiculous. I need hair dye, gauges, and I wanted to save money to go shopping with Julie and Liana downtown. That's not that much, right? I also need to save money for food and cigarettes and some other things throughout the week. I hope I don't blow my moneyyy.

THIS LIFE IS A WAR

My dad actually woke me up today around 9:30 and asked if I wanted to help him do something.. Are you serious? Does he know what time I went to sleep? Does he know that I don't have work today and its my only day all week I can sleep in. What the fuckk. Not that it matters right now because its 3:15 and I still don't have any plans with anyone and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll probably figure something out and end up not being content with it whatsoever. I have work tommorrow at 7:30 and I'm gonna have to wake up so early, I hate it. I wonder what I'm going to spend my first paycheck on. I need to go to the mall to get new gauges and I want some new lip rings too, probably studs. But the ones I have now are gay. I really hope I don't blow all my money before my next paydayyy. I don't even know how much I'm gettingg. I'm tired of guys messing with my head, I think I'm content with being on my own this time. I really thought I liked you. Maybe I still do, whatever. Quit lying to me .......................scumbag