i feel so alone

summer

It hasn't been very hot out this year. I don't really mind it. I don't like when its too hot anyway. The days have been going by slow but it's the middle of July already. It is currently 6:25 in the morning and I just got home. All the doors were locked, I had to go in through the garage. I drove on the highway for the first time tonight. This morning, my mom woke me up, I was really tired but I had to get up because it was family day, and it was already one in the afternoon. Hung out with my family. Bruder came to pick me up around 4, we went to the bank, got some weed, burned some weed, and went to Kyles house. I haven't actually hung out with him besides today, in months. Kyle has a new girlfriend, I guess I'm kind of jealous about it. Not the kind of jealous your thinking of though, its just lame how people forget about friends and stuff. I hate when people close to me drift away. Unless it wasn't worth it to begin with. I have a pretty tight group of friends right now, and I wouldn't trade any of that to ever be friends with Julie again. At least not anytime soon. Jackie has been away in New York at lake george with her family for a few days and it's weird because I usually see her at least every other day. I went to New York, 4 days ago, right after I got my tattoo fixed, (finally). I went with Hunter and Brenden. Hunter is my new friend that I met through this lame kid Matt. Anyway, I got my tattoo done, went to walmart, took some shoes and left my dirty old checkered board vans there. I kind of miss them in a way, only because walmart shoes suck and they were totally uncomftorable after like an hour of walking around in central park. It was kind of funny the way things worked out, Brenden had never even met Hunter before and we all met at walmart and me and Hunter kinda kidnapped him I guess. We wouldn't tell him where we were going it was pretty funny... I got a letter from Jonathan Bowden in the mail, last week. He hated when I called him Jonathan. He said it makes him seem like a little kid. I should write back soon.

single again

I don't have a boyfriend anymore. I don't really mind it, I didn't really know Jonathan that well. We didn't get along and we argued a lot. We had good times, but he wasn't at all on my level. He was trying to grow up too fast and it wasn't working out. Besides, he joined the army and was going to basic training all summer. I didn't even cry when we broke up. Schools almost over. It doesn't feel like summer, it's been really rainy the past couple weeks it seems like. I got out of school an hour ago and I'm waiting for 2:30 to come around so I can go to a job interview at Jersey Mikes. I've been really frustrated lately. I feel like everyone has been so whack. I really want to get out of Connecticut. I haven't been talking to any guys but I want to stay single for a while probably. At least for the summer...

spring

I don't really care for this thing anymore. I mean I do, or else I wouldn't be updating it, but I just don't have the time. And the longer I wait the harder it is to catch up on things. The past 2 weekends have been so out of control and fun. School has been pretty easy. It's nice outside. I've been hanging out with Jackie a lot lately. Tara is finally home from school. Friday night I went to a show with Charles, a bunch of bands played, but the effort was really good. After the show he dropped me off at Jaime's house and Jackie and Kevin and Brian and my boyfriend and Rancid and a few other people were there. We played beer pong and hung out for a while, it was pretty fun. Brian and Jackie got really drunk and me and Jon ended up sleeping at Jackies house that night. We didn't sleep until 5:30 a.m and I was woken up to Jackie opening her window next to her bed from outside telling me to wake up, it was out of control, I'm tellin you. hahaha. I drove Jackie's car Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night. It was so much fun. It was more fun Saturday night driving with Jackie, Tara, my sister and I picked up her friend Cara. It was so great. I can't replace moments like that. Last weekend I hung out at Jess' house with a bunchhh of people and drank beer and smoked a lot of weed. Saturday night I had like 20 of my friends go to my sisters house/robs house to drink and hang out. Everything about that night was so bizarre. I ended up getting pretty sick. The fun was worth getting kinda sick for a day. Today when I got home from school I hung out with Charles and Chris Neleber came to my house and we went to Sound School because Chris wanted to visit. I shouldn't have gone, because I definitely visit way too much. Whatever though, I went with him because I love going. Charles waited in the car and me and Chris got visitors passes and went to see some of our old friends. Me and Charles decided so stay at Sound to hang out and smoke with Jack and Javar at the marsh. After that we took the bus downtown and went to get some food at Mamouns. After we ate, we started walking to the footlocker bus stop on Chapel street because Charles left his car at my house and Chris left us at Sound. When we were sitting on the bench there was a bunch of crackheads hangin' out as usual, and 2 of the older women started fighting and they were both so weak and slow it was the best thing ever. BUM FIGHTS 09' BABY. It was insane. Then they stop fighting and one walks around the bus stop, then sits down right next to me. Real close. Like, theres no more room on the bench, but she sits anyway. Then asks me to use a phone. I tell her no. Then she starts telling me how shes going to break that bitches neck she swaaahss to god. I asked her what was holding her back from beatin her ass, cuz idk. I wanted to instigate. So she goes back over there and tries fightin her and gets her on the ground and just starts smothering this 80 pound black 41 year old. I know this because a cop came like 5 minutes later and arrested the woman that sat next to me. Haha. As they were getting arrested, a black lady with her son calls another cop demanding to see a new cop finish the arrest because this cop was a "toy cop" and not doing his job or something. Hahaha. The cop told them if they didn't say anything he wouldn't arrest them, then he did anyway hahahahhaa.

wow

It's been almost a full month since my last post.. I don't even remember all the crazy things that happened over the past month, nothing too ridiculous I guess. Things have been pretty okay. Today was the first day back to school since April vacation. Of course we go back on 420, haha, whatever. I actually hadn't been in school for like 15 days because I absence out of school the week before vacation 3 days before the term ended. I didn't do it on purpose, And I was really mad at myself for doing it. All I remember is waking up and the clock was 11 a.m. I guess I turned off my alarms by accident. Anyway, today was my first day back in what felt like a very long time. And I'm totally not used to having all 4 classes. Today went by fairly quickly but it was still lame. Tomorrow is going to suck waking up, I'm not tired and its 1:49 a.m, I shouldnt have taken a nap before. I would have slept through the night but John called me around 11:30 and I woke up so I could talk to him and we ended up talking until like 1. John is my new boyfriend. I like him.

lame

Today was fine, besides Laura. She is out of her mind and was screaming at me today for no reason, not to mention I was sketched out even more because I smoked during break. I didn't do anything wrong, she got mad because I couldn't understand the work, she wasn't explaining it at all. She accused me of cheating, even though I wasn't. Started talking about how pathetic people who cheat are, and she just wouldn't let it go. I told her that she was right, and that I was wrong, and she wouldn't let it rest. I'm going to make a complaint to the school, shes done really fucked up shit to me, but when does this end? I got home and took a nap for a few hours, woke up, watched Dexter... Tried making plans because I don't have school tomorrow, but I'm not even doing anything special. I'm waiting for Jackie and Kevin to pick me up, I don't know what we're going to do, but at least I won't be home. I'm going to Dave's house to hang out with him after, I think. I'll probably sleep there if I go. I'm glad I hung out with him the other night, I missed him. He's one of the first people I started hangin' out with around here and I never lost touch with him. It's finally spring, it doesn't feel like it though. It's getting nicer, but I can't wait for real spring weather. It's almost April.

so cool

Tonight was cool. I got home from school, cleaned my room, watched Dexter with Andy, went to pick Kyle up at Edge of the Woods, went to Steve's house for not that long, then went to Jaime's house and hung out with a bunch of friends, it was great. I had such a good time. I'm a little drunk right now, but that doesn't change anything, I had fun. We took a couple group pictures, that's going to be funny to see. I'm pretty happy it's the weekend. Tomorrow should be good too. Things are alright.


It's funny how my mood changes so fast.

pp in the street

I had a show in my basement Saturday. Hate your guts, stomped on sight, fast, damaged, and this pretty cool band Revenge from Mass. Everything went fine, no one got hurt, nothing got stolen, and it only took like 20 minutes to clean everything. I had fun. The week before that, went to some kegger in Meriden with Charlotte and a few of my friends at Dana's friends house. We were there for less than an hour before the cops came. The next day, my friend Sara came over and we went to the show at the legion to see the kill boys. I don't know what it was, but I had so much fun for no reason haha. I mean, it was a good show, but I was so happy. We went to some party after, it was real sketchy, it was dana's friend of a friend and I don't even know. All I remember was reggaton music, a strobe light, and 3 fat girls jigglin their fat. We were there for less than 20 minutes. Then we went to Tasia's house. I wish we went there first, because I ended up not feeling good really fast, because I was drinking at the show and I didn't even eat that much that day, soo. I made Charles take me and Sara home. I was puking and walking on the way to the car. Not cool. Friday night, the night before the show, Chris and Stefan came over to help me clean. It was fun. Then we went laser tagging with Joey, Chris, Stefan, Charles, Mike and Josh. It was pretty intense. I gotta go do something. No one reads this lol.

9430667236

hey everything, fuck you
i hate everything you do to me
i despise every lie i've come to believe
and i hate every evil thing that i see
this juxtaposition of good and bad
remind me of the best and the worst dreams i've had
i'm either to happy or fucking sad
and i can't keep up with that

im

alrighttt.

maybe

I think I might be okay now. I had a long talk with my sister Vicki last night, I feel enlightened. I'll write more about it later, maybe.

by myself

The only place where I could find comfort and security is poisoned by thoughts of you.

You've taken everything from me.

ugh

I'm having such a hard time. It doesn't help that he wont even talk to me at all and ignores me. He deleted our pictures. I really can't take it.

another

lifeless day.

Nothing has gotten any better. I guess you could say that I had a good day today. I got ready, hung out with my friends all day. But it's still the same thing every night. Lonely. I can't stand every other guy out there. Nothing will change this.

theres no escape

everywhere i go, something stupid reminds me of you. i cant get away from it. all the stupid stuff you wrote on my walls. right above my bed where it says ILY Jared <3 Jessy. On my ceiling. where you wrote jf + jf. im haunted by you everywhere i go. and now, you're taking over my dreams too. i cant even escape you in my sleep.

what a shitty day

i keep forgetting that i don't have school at all this week. whatever, i dont even mind going to school because it keeps my mind off of... things.. for a short amount of time. ive been going out almost everyday, and ive never felt more alone. i dont want to talk to you, or you, or you. i'm tired of condescending assholes, and im so sick of people calling me kid. i need to get out of here. i think i will.

if it wasnt for bad luck

id have no fucking luck at all

I'd like

to take back a few things i said in recent posts. i do have friends. i have people i can talk to. but i know its not going to help me. or change anything. so why even tell people about my problems..

why am i alive right now

each day goes on. nothing is getting any better. i lost everything that mattered. i have no friends. i have people that i hang out with but no friends. no one that i actually want to talk to. no one that wants to listen to my problems. just people that pretend to care because they feel obligated to. i dont know how much longer this is going to work out..

liar

Everything I was happy for in my life was a lie. You promised me that you would never leave me and that we would stay together forever. You promised.

really lame weekend content

Probably the worst weekend of my life. This entire week I've been doing anything I possibly could to get money so I can take a bus up to Uconn to see Jared. Friday comes along.. I've been waiting all week for this. Actually 2 weeks because Jared didn't want to come to my house the week before, because he had a cold. So friday... I get out of school, take the bus downtown, take a bus to Hartford, then go to Storrs. Jared was a jerk the entire weekend, he ignored me when I asked him what was wrong. I felt like such shit. He just kept being mean, after I couldn't be positive about it anymore I just didn't really say anything. I was so sad that he wouldn't talk to me or say goodnight or anything I started crying because I freaked out and didn't know what I did. He had no response whatsoever to this happening. I asked him why he didn't care that I was upset, and he rolled over and tried going back to sleep. I feel like I should have expected this coming because he's been treating me like shit for the past couple months. I cried almost everyday because he wouldn't talk to me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells with everything I said. He constantly made me feel bad. Stupid... Critisizing everything that I do... Correcting everything I said. I tried my hardest to ignore it. Everytime he had a problem with something, I always cared and tried to fix it. I asked him what I could do to be a better girlfriend. He never said he had any problems with how everything was going. I just don't understand how you can say you love someone and treat them like shit. I don't ever want to feel like this again. I don't ever want him to find another girl so he can do this to her too. No one deserves this. I don't deserve this. Last night when I told him I loved him, after an awful day, of him being a jerk, he promised me that he loved me too. And his reasoning this morning: he's too much of a pussy to say what hes feeling. Too much of a pussy to just SAVE MY TIME. So I didn't have to take a 5 hour trip from my house to Uconn, then cry the whole way back by myself. And wait in the cold. And after all this, he tells me he cares about me this morning. Does that make any sense? I didn't understand it either. He broke my heart before. I gave him the ability to destroy me but trusted him not to. I guess I'm the fool for that one. I just know if I ever love someone again, I will stick by them no matter what and I wont be a peice of shit asshole whenever things get tough. Because thats life.

My mom is being such a bitch right now. Nothing I do ever matters to her or my dad. Nothing I say matters. When I help out, it never gets recognized. Today she woke me up blasting music because I forgot to do one thing. She did it purposely, to wake me up. She didn't think it was a funny thing to do, she did it because she thought it was justified, I should have to wake up because I forgot to do something. On a snowday too. Today I shoveled the back porch, the steps, the entire driveway, and the ramp in front. She didn't say thank you or anything, and just now she told me that I never do anything. She thinks I'm a waste of life because I don't have a job. And that I barely go to school. I go to school everyday. I'm sorry I only have three classes right now because I'm not good at math. We got into another fight just now, you wanna know why? She flipped out on me because I wouldn't make my dad a fucking cheese burger. She was going to teach me, I told her I already knew how. And got mad that I didn't want to do it. My parents do nothing for me but provide food. They make me work for money, which I rarely get anyway. If you're ever at my house you would know this, they never make food. She called me ungratful and that she makes me stuff all the time, when she doesn't. Yeah this is a big deal. It really hurts though when your own mom tells you that you do nothing with your life. Fucking cunt. I have no one to talk to. No one wants to listen to me vent. Or pretend to care. This blog is really the only thing that will listen to what I have to say, and it's the truth.

vinegar

Today is a new, brighter day. I feel better. I hope it stays this way. I'm not depressed, I realize this when I look at things through a different angle. I'm getting better at controlling my emotions. Is that even possible? Anyway. It's snowing outside. It's been snowing since early this morning, from when I went to school, to when I went home. We should of had a snow day. My school system is so stupid and unfair its awful. The semester that just started is really short so our schedule is really tight for days and hours and stuff, that was their excuse, but how should our safety come after our education. We won't be able to learn if we get into car accidents on the road, really. The roads are so bad right now. My poor mom has to come home in her wheelchair and freeze, New Haven didn't get school off either. This isn't even what is really bothering me right now. I really can't handle the people in my school that much longer. Especially in Jean's class, it's supposed to be my favorite class because she is the ONLY teacher I feel can ever be actually qualified to teach. We're reading a book called "Godless". I'm enjoying it. Everyone else in the class has to complain about it. We can't even have a conversation about religion at all because everyone in the class is so fucking close minded and lame they can't respect anyone Else's opinion as I do for them. This really nasty fat girl was making faces at me behind my back when I was trying to talk. Do it to my face you fat slob. It's so hard to try and be nice and ignore things when people will just treat you like shit anyway. I won't let this ruin my day, but that really did bother me. Today a girl got caught sniffing drugs in the bathroom, what the fuck. Nasty. Although I am in a better mood, this week still sucks.

i didnt go to school today

Who cares. Even if i had energy i wouldn't have any motivation to actually get up and go. My happiness is over. My life consists of being ignored and freezing cold weather.

seriously, fuck today

My grandma died earlier today, it's awful. I got to visit her a few days ago, but I wish I got to see her again. She had been in pain for so long, in and out of hospitals and nursing homes. She hasn't been out of a bed in years and hasn't been home in so long. I'm alright. I just wish someone would notice and ask me if I was okay. I have problems of my own too. Fuck today. I was totally not ready for school after this break. Everything sucked. I have no friends at this school. I hate everyone there. I hate my teacher Laura, who I'm blessed to have again for this whole semester. She started yelling and threatening to kick people out less than a minute of being in her class. It's not our faults she couldn't score any drugs for the day. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day. I am not going to wanna wake up tomorrow. Oh gosh

new years

I went out every single day of this winter break. 2009 has been so cool already. I don't feel like explaining everything that happened over the break. Not because its 3a.m, I'm just lazy. I feel like a waste. I need to get something done for myself. I don't know what though. New years me and Jared, Tara and Jackie slept at Pats with Kevin and it was fun I guess, I don't know. Then the 2nd was Jackie's birthday, so we tried to have a surprise party for her at Pats but it just ended up like all of us, minus Jared, and a few others, and I had fun. I got too drunk though. I got really sick. I found out on the 2nd, that afternoon my mom told me she and my dad were going away for the weekend, what the fuck. That night Tara and Jackie slept over but like, today was Saturday. I hung out with Tara most of the day, Jackie left around 2 maybe. Me and Tara smoked and she had to go because she had plans. I came home and took a nap. Charles came over and woke me up around 9. I didn't do anything tonight. You don't understand. I didn't want to have a party or anything, but come on. I did NOTHING. My parents aren't here. They're coming back tomorrow morning. Biggest waste ever. I only meant for this post to be a couple sentences long, whatever. Good night!