niiice

I'm home alone right now because my family is in meriden doing some walk for heart problems I think. My brothers coming home today and It's gonna be pretty cool I hope. I havn't seen him in so lonngg. I really don't know what else to say, so I'll just end this here. I'm pretty happy =)

fucked

Today was pretty lame. I didnt fall asleep last night until around 4 in the morning. This morning when I woke up I couldn't go to school. I missed 22 days this year and i'm only allowed to miss like 22. My mom is making sure I can stay at sound for the rest of the year because I'm going to adult ed next school year. It's about time. Some of my friends ditched out on me today, and its not fun having that happen to you. Especially when you think they don't care one bit. I havn't left my house all day and I need a cigarette soo baddd. Tomorrows friday and It should go by really fast I hope. I'm supposed to hang out with some friends after school so that should be fun. I can't believe I wasted most of my day on the computer. My brother is coming to visit this weekend. It's about time he actually decides to visit his family. It's not even his choice, he had to go to NY for his work and I bet if he didnt then he wouldnt be here at all. Whatever. I'M ALWAYS IN A BAD MOOD. I still have no one to talk to. I'm pretty pathetic.

heritage gay

So, today was heritage day at school. I'm still not exactly sure what it is, but all I knew was.. I was going to be grouped up with a bunch of kids that I didn't like to do all this wierd stuff for two classes and we weren't getting graded for it. A lot of people just left and skipped, I got a pass to leave and Julie's boyfriend alex picked us up from school and gave me a ride home. When I got home, I did nothing. I almost wish I stayed in school. I fell asleep when I got home and woke up around 7. I'm still tired right now but I know I'm not gonna be able to fall asleep.

easter wtf

I just woke up around 10, and I really wish I hadn't. I'm so tired and I didn't fall asleep until almost 4 in the morning. It's wierd because I usually never stay up that late. I don't know what the hell I was doing, lol. Yesterday I got ready to go out pretty early but I didn't really do anything until almost 6. I walked all the way to dunkin donuts for no reason and I met up with alex for literally 5 minutes and then Liana and Julie picked me up. And that's a long walk from my house. We went to my house for a little bit then we went to Lenny's house and hung out with Mike, Tom, Joe, Julia, and some other people I forgot. Julie and Liana left and some of them played halo for a while. Which is horrible. I hate that game, and I hate watching people play it. We smoked and stuff and then we went all around the 203 selling bud to everyone. Not me, them. I guess you can say I had fun yesterday, but by the time night had came I was all alone. I had never felt more alone last night. I havn't talked to Jared in almost 3 days. He's busy with his friends. And I have no one to talk to. I was so upset last night before I went to sleep. Well, partly because I watched this movie, the end of it, with me mom. It was horribly depressing. Yeah... So, today. Once everyone is ready I'm going to my sisters huge house in Madison and im gonna eat tons of candy and food and play pool and monkey ball and guitar hero all day. It's gonna RULE.

besides..

I've felt better the past couple days. Yesterday I went to school and it wasn't that bad.. And after I was walking downtown with Brandon and we went to the train station and waited for Russ. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. Wayy later that day, it was starting to get dark out and I wanted to go home, it was also very cold, but anyway.. They said they wanted to go out to some roof, on top of a building. I honestly didn't think anything was going to happen until I found myself waiting outside a 7 story building with Brandon for Russ to come out of the side of the building with an open door for us. Or that I actually followed them and walked inside. I forgot what the place was even called, but I remember having to be really quiet because there was people right in the other room having some important meeting. All the lights were off and it was really scary. When we were going up the staircases and rooms in the dark, I kept seeing so many wierd things. Needless to say, I was about to piss myself. All of the doors that we needed to get into were opened, it was wierd, and we actually made it to the top. When I was up there I felt a cool breaze because it wasn't that cold, but it was refreshing from being inside for that extra long 10 minutes. I could see everything of New Haven. And I just sat there and thought about stuff. I was scared I might slip and roll down and die or something. Luckily that didn't happen. I wanna go up there again. After that I waited at the peabody for my dad for an hour. Today I woke up and didn't go to school because I was tired. I wasn't bored today though. I did things today. And tomorrow I'm hangin out with Jared.. and I can't waittt

yip

Maybe I only write in this when I'm sad or pissed off, but I'd hope to think I'm a generally happy person. Just not right now.. So today when I woke up I cleaned and got ready for the show at the academy skatepark. I saw a lot of my friends there and I liked most of the bands that played and it was fun. But theres something wrong with me and I got sad through most of the day for no reason. I don't really wanna talk about it. I should make this a private livejournal or something, because I just can't say what I want. Aside from me being "sad" for whatever reason, I was at a show. And it sucks because I can't control my emotions and I shouldn't have to be angry just from seeing people I don't like. Not even just sayin I don't like so and so, I get legitly mad, when I see groups of people I don't like. Things seemed to get 10 times worse when I got home. I made a list of things I don't like, that didn't make me feel much better. I always feel so left out. All my friends are out right now doing something fun without me. Everyone. I hate when people leave me out of stuff and think I won't care. Fuck you. I had to get a fucking ride from my dad today. Maybe no one really does want me around. I should just stay home for the rest of my life. Jared didn't call me last night or tonight. So I really have no one to talk to. No one that understands whatsoever. And after tomorrow school starts again so I can go to that and fail at everything I try.

I don't wanna go

I know everyone must feel this way at times, but I hate school. No, no, I really do. I went in today late at like 10 and left at 12 with Andy. Yesterday I didn't go. And I'm not going to wanna go in tomorrow. Everyone is doing capt tests and its lame. I already know I'm probably not going to pass for the year. I don't even know what I'm passing. After I hung out with Andy today he dropped me off downtown and I hung around for an hour and then everyone from Sound got off the bus downtown and I got on the east haven bus and met Jared at Dunkin Donuts and we hung out at my house for a little bit and then we went out. I guess you can say I had fun. I need a job. I feel useless and I need something to make things feel complete.

sick

I just took a 7 hour nap. It's 10:31 and I have done nothing all day. I've been sick the past few days as well, and I'm miserable right now. I can'ttt go without smoking even if it means i'll be getting better faster. I went on a field trip yesterday with my school to Southington to see a lyman hall vs. CROSS basketball game, the only reason Sound went is for Marcus, the senior at my school who's on the Cross team and he's really good. I had fun, even though we lost against some short nerdy white kids. It was rediculous, it looked like pleasant ville vs. fair haven. It was kind of wierd being there. I'm still depressed. I finished my book, the perks of being a wallflower. I didn't like the ending, and it left me feeling really awful. It was just so sad, I didn't get it. I started a new one today before I fell asleep for so long. I forgot what it's called. I don't feel good. I'm miserable. Everyone's being a jerk and I have no one to talk to. I havn't talked to Jared in like 3 days. Whatever. I'm gonna go somewhere else and feel sorry for myself.

R.I.P Branden Walker

I'll miss you so much. I remember everytime I was with you it was never boring and you always had something funny to say and I never caught you in a bad mood. We used to spin in circles until we got dizzy and fell on the ground. I miss drawing obscene pictures on the computer with you. You made my days better and I'll never forget that. I'm in shock with what happend. I remember at any time I would find notes that you left me when I got up to do something. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could say goodbye.

It was so nice out this morning. It was very warm and it put me in a good mood even though I was tired. The nice weather didn't last for long though, it got really cloudy and eventually started raining for a long time. School went by kind of fast but it probably helps that I don't have to take the capt tests. I wish this tea wasn't so hot. I don't feel that good right now my throat is sore and my muscles are still acheing from the show. Today after school I hung out with Satchel and Jack and we smoked a blunt downtown by the stairs. I guess I had fun. I'm almost done reading this book and I was on the city bus while I was reading and I always get too into the book to realize when my stop is coming up, so maybe I should stop doing that on the bus. This tea doesn't taste too bad right now, It's perfect. Anyway, yesterday sucked kinda me and my friend Steff were having a cigarette in the bathroom in foote building cuz we were suppose to be in the library, and we went in the boys bathroom by accident, which happens to not suck up the smoke through the vent like the girls one does, so, we just finished it and when we walked out Jeff Alpert saw us both leave. Okay, so we're screwed right? He tells us we have to go to the office and he tells tim visel what happend and everything and me and Steff get separated so we can make a write up of our story of what happend, I never really understood why the separate us because me and her always manage a decent story right in time. So I get searched and they feel so cheap because they can't find anything on me, not even cigarettesssss. So as they're getting mad about that, they find a marker in my backpack. A black marker, and I almost get in trouble for having that!!! He starts interrogating me really bad asking me what I use it for and shit, like... WE'RE AT SCHOOL. I use markers, wtf idfk. So then he takes my lighter and my marker away because he thinks im using that marker to write over the walls at school. Which isn't even fucking me. It was mad lame.. Although Steff wasn't as fortunate as me, she had a license plate from a stollen car in her backpack.. Don't ask me why, but she did. So I don't know how much trouble shes in yet cuz shes on probation and she got suspended for 3 days. I hope she's alright. Anyway, I just woke up a little while ago from a 3 hour nap. I'm pretty bored but I'm probably gonna stay home for the night. I want to see Jared tomorrow.

meriden show

Today was family day, but for once I didn't stay with family and eat and everything. My sister gave me a ride to a show in Meriden to see Kulture Shock, Eat and Run, The Kill boys, Stomped on Sight, and some other bands. It was pretty good. I had fun, because I hadn't been to a show in a while and I got to see Jared againn and his band did really good. During their set someone got thrown into my face and it felt horrible, my nose was bleeding and I have this wierd bruise on my face and its swollen and it hurts. Not anymore though, it just looks bad. But on the bright side, I got to see all of my wonderful friendssssss that love me so muchhhh, hahaha. Not at all. I hate those kids at shows. Almost all of them are complete bitchesss and it sucks because it always has to make me mad at some point where I can't even enjoy a show. Fuck them. Fat nasty disgusting crusty obese girls and shit talking guys that can't keep my name out of their mouth. And the funny part is, I hardly know any of them. I'm glad I got this out. Although I had fun today, I don't think that this person I care about wanted me there. I'm gonna go read until I'm tired and sleep, because it's almost 11. And I need to wake up early. And It's not going to be fun.

where is spring

I'm so happy that today is March 1st. Spring is coming soon, but not soon enough. Today it was so cold and it was snowing on and off and it was really windy too. Last night I hung out with Julie and Jill and Hayleigh came over later with her friend and we all hung out. Julie slept over and left this morning. I got ready for the day and then Jared came over and we hung out alll day. I had fun. Tomorrow he's having a show in meriden and Kulture shock and The Killboys and some other bands are playing but I really want to goo. I don't know why, I just do. And if he can't take me, I won't be bad. I was just kind of looking forward to it. Although it is going to suck on Monday because I didn't go to school yesterday so that means I was bored all day. I'm tired. It's wierd how so many things can change so fast. People too. How am I supposed to know if im satisfied with life or not? Don't answer that, lol. My brother is coming to visit at the end of March. Nice.